FREEDOM IS ONLY ACHIEVED BY PEOPLE THAT NEED FREEING FROM OTHER PEOPLE
IT’S ALWAYS A BAD IDEA TO DO THIS
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF WE ALL END UP AS ZOMBIES
IT’S ALL GRIST FOR THE MILL
YOU ARE A VICTIM OF ESOTERIC TERRORISM
YOU ARE NOT PARANOID
THEY ARE AFTER YOU
WHY IS THERE NOT A PEN IN MY POCKET THE WHOLE TIME?
THERE IS A PEN
I JUST HAD MY PHONE STOLEN
CALL THE COP OUT
THE FEAR
THE DREDD
THE LAW
QUICKLY REPLACED BY THE LOVE OF MY NEW PRODUCT
THE SHINY NEWNESS
THE ‘CLICK BAIT’ VIRUS
WHAT DOES ‘BBFC’ STAND FOR NOW?
‘BYE BYE FUCKING CENSORSHIP’
TAP OUT FOR FREE
GOSSIP SPREADS LIKE WILD FIRE WHILE THE TRUTH THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR IS TRAPPED LIKE A FART IN A JAR. WE ALL LIKE THE SMELL OF OUR OWN FARTS BUT, AS ALGORITHMS CYCLE BACK EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW, BREATHING BUM GAS UNDER A DUVET INSTEAD OF OXYGEN IS THE DEFINITION OF ADDICTION
BEWARE OF EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS TO PHONES. MAKE NO MISTAKE, THEY DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU. I SEE THE APPEAL; A LITTLE TINGLY BUZZ IN YOUR FAVOURITE POCKET, TEN TIMES A MINUTE, TELLING YOU YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING WILL MAKE IT EASY TO BELIEVE.
YOUR GIFT?
YOUR REWARD?
DONALD TRUMP AND THE SORRY STORY OF THE PUSSY-HOLE REPUBLICAN PARTY STILL THINKING THIS IS GOING TO GO WELL FOR THEM
WHAT IF THE THINKING TAKES OVER?….
NOPE.
MISTAKE.
IT IS THE SAME MISTAKE
KNIFE TO A GUN FIGHT
WHEN THE KNIFE IS A FEATHER
THE GUN IS THE GARDENER
IT’S STILL LESS THAN TWENTY YEARS AGO WHEN YOU HAD A FRIEND AND IF YOU WERE GOING TO MEET THEM AND THEY REALLY WERE YOUR FRIEND YOU WOULD JUST SHOW UP AT THE TIME YOU AGREED
WHAT IF THE THING THAT BRINGS YOU FUZZY GIFTS AND REWARDS TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY STARTED BUZZING YOU WITH FISTS AND SWORDS?; ARE YOU REALLY TOO BUSY TO MAKE TIME FOR MUM ONCE A WEEK? YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY THAT GREAT A SINGER, I RECORDED THE CRAP YOU SHOWERED WITH AND MADE YOUR ARSE A TWEET. YOU EMBARRASSED BOTH OF US LAST WEEK. YOU SAID YOU’D WAKE UP WHEN I ASKED YOU TO
IT’S BIN DAY
THIS IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR INVALUABLE DEVICE AND YOUR INVALUABLE HUMAN
INTERNET EXPONENTIALISM
IT’S LIKE WE WERE ALL GIVEN FERRARIS OVER NIGHT AND EXPECTED TO DRIVE SAFELY. SUGAR IS BAD FOR YOU YET IT IS SWEET, IT’S THE AGE OLD ‘REPTILE’ BRAIN, ‘DEAL WITH REALITY’ BRAIN TUSSLE.
THIS IS ALL HAPPENING TOO FAST FOR US
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN SO FOCUSED
WHEN YOUR PRIORITIES ARE IN AN OUT OF ORDER
OUT OF SORTS
SORTS OF WHAT?
I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING IN THE LAST GENERATION OF MEAT EATERS. THE RACE IS ALWAYS ON.
RACE NEEDS REBRANDING
WE ARE NOT IN A RACE
WE ARE A, CONSTANTLY COMPLEXLY, EVOLVING SPECIES, WE ARE THE TRUTH YET WE ARE NOT FOREVER. WHAT DO WE DO IF WE ARE ALL STILL ALIVE AND THE FLASHING LIGHTS ON THE LITTLE SCREEN THAT TELL YOU YOU HAVE MISSED YOUR STOP HAD STOPPED BLINKING. HOW MANY STOPS HAVE YOU MISSED? ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK YOU CAN JUST CROSS THE PLATFORM
WHAT IF YOU BLINKERED LIGHTS STEPPED IN SHIT?
ONE DAY YOU WILL GET HOME
IT JUST DEPENDS WHERE YOU ARE ON THE TIMELINE
YOU ARE THE GARDENER OF YOUR OWN LIFE, YET YOU ARE ONLY PART OF ANOTHER GARDEN. YOU WERE BORN, GROWN AND YOU HAVE A SELL BY DATE. ARE YOU FRUIT OR ARE YOU FRUIT FLY? IF SO;
THAT’S OK
BIRDS EAT FRUIT FLIES
ISLAM IS JUST ANOTHER RELIGION. WHAT WILL ISIS DO IF THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT AND WHY ARE THEY USING TWITTER? WAS THAT MENTIONED IN THE QURAN?
THE PREDICATION, THE INSISTENCE OF THE PRODUCTION OF BABIES, INDOCTRINATED TO ANY CAUSE FROM BIRTH DOES NOT HELP THE GARDEN GROW, HOWEVER, REMOVE THE POLITICS FROM RELIGION AND THERE ARE SOME PRACTICAL BENEFITS; ‘MINDFULNESS’ HAS BEEN TAUGHT IN ‘BUDISM’ SINCE ‘BUDISM’. IT IS A REBRANDING OF MENTAL EXERCISE AS MUCH AS RUNNING IS GOOD PRACTICE FOR BEING CHASED BY SOMETHING WANTING TO DO YOU HARM.
THERE WILL BE A TIPPING POINT
THE NUCLEUS OF THE HUMAN RACE WILL SURVIVE
THE ELITE
BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR THE ENVIRONMENT IS NOT HAVE A CHILD UNLESS YOU ARE INCREDIBLY WEALTHY. DON’T CONDEM ANY CHILDREN YOU WERE THINKING OF HAVING TO A WORLD THAT IS REMOVING THE WHEAT FROM THE CHAFF
THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST
YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST
THE ARCADE GAME WILL RESET
IT IS ONLY ECONOMICAL
IF ONLY THERE WERE LESS OF US
THERE JUST ISN’T ENOUGH SPACE FOR ALL OF US
BUT THERE IS JUST ENOUGH SPACE FOR THE FEW OF US
AND ONCE WE HAVE THE ROBOTS THAT WILL DO EVERYTHING WE WANT
WHAT WILL WE NEED YOU FOR?
POOR OLD FINNEGAN BEGIN AGAIN
ONE POINT PERSPECTIVE
WHO ARE THE PEOPLE?
IT’S US AGAINST THEM UNTIL IT’S US AND THEM AGAINST SOMEONE ELSE
BELIEVING IN GOD IS BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
EAT YOUR OWN BODY THANK YOU VERY MUCH
AS A SPECIES, WE ARE DUE A CULL
NEVER MIND GLOBAL WARMING
THE PLANET DOESN’T CARE IF IT GETS TOO HOT FOR HUMANS.
FOR THE LAST TIME; ‘STAR TREK’ WAS ONLY ON ONCE A WEEK BECAUSE FROM MONDAY TO FRIDAY THEY WERE DRIVING THROUGH GALAXIES FULL OF PLANETS THAT HAD BLOWN THE SHIT OUT OF THEMSELVES; A UNIVERSE OF GRAVEYARDS WHERE ON SATURDAY NIGHTS THEY’D GO AND FIND A BUNCH OF ‘KLING-ON’S’ TO HAVE A PUNCH UP WITH!
NONE OF THIS WILL HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFETIME
UNLESS
REVOLUTION
REVOLUTION IS EVOLUTION FOR POOR PEOPLE
LET THEM EAT GLOBAL CAKE
DO YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE IN POWER ARE IN POWER?
BECAUSE THEY KNOW WORDS LIKE DEFENESTRATED.
DEFENESTRATED
LOOKS A LOT LIKE A COUPLE OF WORDS WE THOUGHT WE KNEW BUT NOW WE ARE GOING TO KNOW
defenestrate
diːˈfɛnɪstreɪt/
verb
1.
rare
throw (someone) out of a window.
“she had made up her mind that the woman had been defenestrated, although the official verdict had been suicide”
2.
informal
remove or dismiss (someone) from a position of power or authority.
“the overwhelming view is that he should be defenestrated before the next election”
WHAT SHIT HAVE YOU NOT SEEN?
WHICH LAMP POST ARE YOU ABOUT TO WALK INTO?
LOOK UP!
LOOK OUT!
LOOK!
LOOK AROUND!
WHEN DRAWING OR PAINTING A SUBJECT, THE ARTIST WILL LOOK AT THE WHOLE TRANSFER OF INFORMATION BETWEEN THE CANVAS AND THE SUBJECT WITH RAPID, ALTERNATING INTERMISSIONS. PICKING POINTS, BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, CORRECTING AS QUICKLY AS MAKING A MISTAKE, AS EVERY MARK IS WRONG UNTIL IT IS RIGHT ENOUGH?
FOCUSSING ON ONE SMALL THING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU IS HYPNOTISM
THE ‘TURNING AN OIL TANKER’ OF THINKING
A BRIEF HISTORY OF ELECTRONIC EYE CANDY
CINEMA
BEAUTIFUL COMMUNAL HYPNOTISM
THEN IT GOT SMALLER
IN THE 1970’S ONE TELEVISION PROGRAMME CAUSED A SMALL REVOLUTION; ‘UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS’, SO POPULAR, THIS EXAMINATION OF CLASS AND FAMILY, SUCH A CLEAR MIRROR OF IT’S AUDIENCE, TO ALL INTENT’S AND PURPOSES, THE WHOLE COUNTRY FOUND ITSELF INVESTED. FAMILIES OF ALL DEMOGRAPHICS COULD BE HYPNOTISED TOGETHER. SO MUCH SO THAT CHURCHES HAD TO CHANGE THE TIMES OF SUNDAY EVENING SERVICES.
T.V. ONE, THE LORD JESUS CHRIST NIL.
‘DALLAS’; WHO SHOT ‘J.R’ AND THE BALLS TO SAY THAT FOR THE LAST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE ‘BOBBY EWING’ WAS IN THE SHOWER AND THE WORLD WENT… “GREAT!”
FAKE NEWS
‘DYNASTY’; ‘TOM JONES’ IS KNOWN TO HAVE SAID THAT ‘JOAN COLLINS’ WAS THE BEST FUCK OF HIS LIFE!
THE 90’S
DIDN’T WATCH A LOT OF TELLY IN THE NINETIES. VAGUELY REMEMBER SOME BLOKE CALLED ‘TONY’ TELLING ME THINGS WERE GOING TO GET BETTER AT A RAVE.
‘24 HR PARTY PEOPLE’ TO ‘24’ IN LESS THAN TEN YEARS
THEN WE STARTED TO GET ‘LOST’
THE LAST OF THE WORLDWIDE EVENT TELEVISION DRAMA… ON THE WEEKLY DRIP-FEED, INSTANT GRATIFICATION IS HERE, BABY! THANK YOU ‘J J’ FOR MOVING US ON. SOMEWHERE AROND THERE THE FLEAS, STUCK ON HE BIG, OLD, SHAGGY DOG IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM STARTED TO REALISE THAT THE CAT HAD LEARNED SOME NEW TRICKS, IT COULD GO WHERE IT WANTED AND DIDN’T MIND THE FLEAS; KITCHEN TABLE, ON YOUR LAP, IN BED EVEN.
AND AS THE CAT PURRED OUR FOCUS NARROWED AGAIN
THE FIRST SERIES OF ‘BREAKING BAD’ WAS SHOWN IN THE U.K. ON ‘CHANNEL 5’ OF ALL PLACES AND DROPPED AFTER THE FIRST SEASON.
I HAVE NOT OWNED A TELEVISION SINCE ‘THE WIRE’
NOW THE COMMUNAL ACT HAS BEEN REVERSED.
THE FEVERED QUESTION;
“HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST EPISODE OF…
(INSERT YOUR PERSONAL POISON HERE,).
THE SATIATED RESPONSE;
“YES”
THE FEVERED RETORT;
“DON’T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT!”
IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE SAME ROOM, AT THE SAME TIME, WITH THE SAME PERSON, WATCHING THE SAME THING;
DON’T TALK ABOUT IT
‘V.R.’ HEADSETS ARE ON THE SHOP SHELVES NEXT TO THE DRONES.
EVEN WHEN WE CAN STICK THESE FUCKING THINGS THING TO OUR EYEBALLS…
WE WILL NOT BE TOTALLY HAPPY.
‘T-200’ CONTACT LENSES COMING TO AN EYE NEAR YOU SOON.
CONSUMPTION ON POINT OF IMPACT
PROGRESS WILL, BY DEFINITION, NOT SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS
THE NEWS IS TOO FAST
SMOKESTACK LIGHTNING SHINING LIKE GOLD
WHY DON’T YOU HEAR ME CRY?
THE PRACTICALITY OF INFORMATION EXCHANGE HAS SURPASSED AND DISPLACED PRINT MEDIA, SO MUCH SO THAT PRINT MEDIA HAS TO DISPLACE ITSELF. THAT SNAKE CAN’T STOP MUNCHIN’ ON IT’S OWN TAIL. ONCE UPON A TIMELINE GOVERNMENTS WERE CONCERNED WITH SUBLIMINAL IMAGES IN FILM.
CUTE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT. NOW, FROM TROLLS TO TERRORISTS, THE TERRIBLE HAVE A PLATFORM. NOW DECENCY IS UP FOR DEBATE.
MULTITUDES OF MEGAPHONES
CLICK BAIT FLAUNTS IT’S INTENTIONS
DO YOU WANT A WORM IN YOUR MOUTH SO BAD
YOU ARE WILLING TO PUT A HOOK THROUGH IT
YES!
CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF TWENTY THINGS
YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
AND ARE UNLIKELY TO BE TRUE
THERE IS A VIRUS IN YOUR HARD DRIVE
KILL IT
CUT OFF IT’S SUPPLY
WALK THROUGH PARADISE AND GET BORED
FIND PURGATORY THROUGH THE WRONG DOOR
I SAID YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, WOOH!
WALK THROUGH A GARDEN
SEE PARADISE
EXHIBIT EXPERIENCE
MOW THE LAWN
WALK ANY PATH FOR ETERNITY
FIND PURGATORY
SIX SUGARS IN YOUR TEA
SUPER SIZE MACCY DEE
FIND SUBSTANCE MOORISH
DON’T DRIVE THRU
DRIVE ON
MAN CANNOT LIVE ON FRIED CHICKEN ALONE
STOMACH AND EYE ARE BETTER TO ENJOY THAN BE ENJOYED
CONSIDER A FEW MORE FLAVOURS
CLEANSE YOUR PALETTE BETWEEN MEALS
IN FRONT OF YOU EVERY SECOND
WHAT WILL YOU CONSUME NEXT?
WHEN I WERE A LAD; PORN WERE A LOOSE MAGAZINE LAID IN A PARK AFTER FOOTBALL ON A SATURDAY MORNING
NOW IT’S ON MY PHONE AS EASY AS BEHEADING.
IF ALL YOU ARE PRODUCING IS POOP YOU ARE ON TRACK FOR A SUB-PRIME LIFE
YOU ARE DESTINED FOR THE FACE TO FACE WITH A ‘PYTHON; WAFER THIN MINT’ MOMENT.
WHICH WILL, IN FAIRNESS, BE GREAT FOR YOU; YOU WILL BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING UNTIL YOU EXPLODE LIKE THE REST OF US YOU FAT, SELFISH, FUCK OF A FACE YOU WRETCHED PARASITE ON THE FACE OF HUMANITY.
HUMANITY WILL THANK FUCK YOUR BOIL HAS POPPED.
WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU ANYWAY YOU LOUD-MOUTH BLEATER OF CONSTANT NOTHING.
THERE IS A PLACE IN SOCIETY FOR MAKING THE HARD DECISION. IF THE ROT HAS SET IN, THE DOCTOR TAKES A SAW TO THE LEG. IN 2015 THE EBOLA CRISIS IN WEST AFRICA SAW PERFECTLY HEALTHY PEOPLE RISK THEIR LIVES BECAUSE CLINICAL CHOICES HAD TO BE MADE AND DECISIVE ACTION HAD TO BE TOOK TO SAVE THE LIVES OF THOUSANDS OF OTHERS.
NOW YOU TRY BEING ONE OF THE ONE PERCENT
THINK ABOUT IT FROM THEIR POINT OF VIEW
WHOEVER IS ‘AT THE TOP’ WANTED TO BE THERE, HAD TO BE THERE.
‘HOWARD HUGES’ WAS ONCE ASKED HOW MUCH MONEY IS ENOUGH, HIS REPLY WAS,
“JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN I HAVE NOW”.
IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, THE REWARD IS A RETURN TO A PERFECT CHILDHOOD WHERE EVERYONE DOES WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO, EVERYONE IS THERE FOR YOU. AS AN ADULT, HOWEVER, YOU CAN RECOGNISE, ACKNOWLEDGE EVEN, THE OPINION OF THE LESSER BUT YOU ARE IN CHARGE FOR A REASON.
YOU DECIDE.
FROM THAT HIGH UP PEOPLE ARE PIXELS
ONLY YOU CAN SEE THE BIG PICTURE
THIS IS YOUR GARDEN
IT IS YOUR RIGHT TO TEND IT AS YOU SEE FIT.
WHEN ASKED WHY RUPERT MURDOCK WANTED BRITAIN OUT OF THE EU, HE SAID THAT WHEN HE WENT TO TEN DOWNING STREET PEOPLE WOULD DO WHAT HE ASKED, IN BRUSSELS HE GOT NOTHING.
IN THE COLD HARD LIGHT OF THE SPREADSHEET YOUR ACTUAL WORTH IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS HAS ALREADY BEEN FIGURED OUT. SO IF YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THE CITY UNDER THE MOUNTAIN YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT IN COLUMN FIVE.
IF YOU WERE IN THEIR POSITION YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.
JUST AS THERE IS A PHRASE IN ISRAEL; ‘MOWING THE LAWN’ REFERS TO ONE SOLUTION REGARDING THTE NOISY NEIGHBOURS. EVEN ‘ELON MUSK’ WILL HAVE DONE A FEW SUMS ON THE PLUS SIDE OF A ‘MASS EXTINCTION INCIDENT’, AND AS INCIDENTS GO, THIS ONE’S A DOOZY.
THE WORLD IS A SOUP ON THE BOIL.
BUBBLING OVER
NO OFF SWITCH ON THE GAS
NO SIMMER AND STIR
AS A SPECIES WE ARE INHERENTLY DISPOSED TO BEING DISSATISFIED WITH OUR LOT, IT’S CALLED EVOLUTION.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DIDN’T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION?
DINOSAURS
YET, AS WITH MANY THINGS, OUR REPTILE BRAINS HAVE NOT TAKEN ON BOARD YET, WE STILL FEEL LIKE WE NEED TO MAKE AS MANY BABIES AS POSSIBLE. IN THE LAST FIFTY YEARS WE HAVE MORE THAN DOUBLED OUR POPULATION WE ARE CRACKING EIGHT BILLION. IT’S NOT SO MUCH THAT WE HAVE SIGNIFICANTLY UPPED PRODUCTION, IT’S THAT WE ARE JUST NOT DYING QUICKLY ENOUGH.
WE HAVE A SUPPLY AND DEMAND ISSUE.
WITHIN THIRTY YEARS HALF OF ALL THE JOBS WE DO NOW WILL BE AUTOMATED.
HONESTLY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ALL DAY?
NOT JUST DRIVING, NOT JUST CONSTRUCTION, NEVER MIND THE IMMIGRANTS, THERE IS ALREADY A BRICKLAYING MACHINE THAT DOES THE WORK OF SIX HUMANS WITHOUT THE NEED FOR A TEA BREAK.
ACCOUNTANTS? STOCK-TRADERS? DOCTORS?
WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A MACHINE FROM ‘STAR TREK’ POKE AROUND INSIDE YOU OR SOMEONE WITH COMPLETE ACCESS TO ALL THE DRUGS, ON THE WRONG END OF A FORTY HOUR SHIFT?
HEDGE FUNDERS WILL FIND THEMSELVES BETTING AGAINST THEMSELVES
SO IF HALF THE WORLD IS UNEMPLOYABLE, AGAIN, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ALL DAY, MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO BUY ALL DAY TO KEEP THE WHEELS GREASED?
IN A WORLD ECONOMY WHERE KEEPING THINGS AT A SAFE, BALANCED LEVEL IS BAD AND ONLY GROWTH IS GOOD, WITH ALL THESE MACHINES MAKING OUR LIVES EASIER WITH ALL THESE PRODUCTS AT WHAT POINT IN THE MOVIE DOES SOMEONE SAY, ‘THIS SEEMS TOO EASY’ RIGHT BEFORE YOU CHUCK POPCORN ALL OVER YOURSELF.
NEVER MIND YOUR SOCIAL BUBBLE.
NEVER MIND THE SUB-PRIME MORTGAGE BUBBLE
THE NEXT INEVITABLE CRASH, CAR LOANS PROBABLY, WILL BE FELT EVERYWHERE WHERE PEOPLE HAVE ‘FAKE MONEY’.
WHETHER THROUGH POLITICAL OR CLIMATE CHANGE THE WORLD SEEMS LIKE IT’S ABOUT READY FOR A MASSIVE PUNCH UP
GLOBALISATION SAYS WE CAN’T JUST TAKE IT OUT TO THE CAR PARK ANY MORE SO SOME KIND OF CULL IS DUE, MAN MADE OR OTHERWISE.
WHAT IF THE POPULATION WAS RISING IN THE OTHER DIRECTION, LITERALLY, WHAT IF THE AVERAGE HEIGHT OF OUR SPECIES WAS INCREASING AT THE SAME RATE?
WHAT IF THE AVERAGE HEIGHT OF THE HUMAN RACE WENT FROM AROUND FIVE TO SIX FEET FIFTY YEARS AGO TO BETWEEN SEVEN AND EIGHT NOW AND WE WERE ALL GOING TO BE TEN FEET TALL IN ANOTHER FIFTY YEARS?
EVERY BUILDING, EVERY VEHICLE, EVERY PIECE OF FURNITURE WOULD BE OBSOLETE.
HOW LONG WOULD WE SPEND BANGING OUR HEADS ON THE CEILING BEFORE WE DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
IN TEN YEARS ‘BREXIT’ MIGHT BE UTTERLY INSIGNIFICANT COMPARED TO, OH I DON’T KNOW, THE ENTIRE NATIONAL HEATH SERVICE BEING HELD TO RANSOM BY HACKERS. AS GOVERNMENTS KEEP GIVING US THINGS TO VOTE ON LIKE ‘X FACTOR’ JUDGES AND EVERY TIME WE PUSH BUTTONS THAT ACCEPT THE ‘I TUNES’ TERMS AND CONDITIONS WITHOUT READING THEM, WE MIGHT FIND OURSELVES VOTING IN SOMETHING USEFUL LIKE ‘VOLUNTARY DEATH CAMPS’;
‘MAKE SUICIDE GREAT AGAIN!”
‘GRAND-PA, WE’VE CALLED THIS FAMILY MEETING BECAUSE WE ALL GOT TOGETHER WITHOUT YOU AND DECIDED IT WOULD BE BEST FOR US…”
SO AS THE NEXT WAVE OF HUMANITY CRASHES ON A BEACH NEAR YOU WILL YOU BE SUNBATHING? WILL YOU RIDE THE SURF OR WILL YOU BE SUCKED UNDER THE SWITCHING TIDE.
WILL YOUR EYES BE TOO FIXED TO THE LITTLE SCREEN TO SEE THE TSUNAMI. THAT LITTLE BUZZING PACIFIER THAT TELLS YOU THAT EVERYTHING IN YOUR WORLD IS RIGHT AS LONG AS YOU KEEP LOOKING AT IT. AS SURE AS A CIGARETTE IS A NICOTINE DELIVERY SYSTEM YOUR SPECIAL MACHINE IS BANGING ON YOUR DOPAMINE BONGOS EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IT.
IT MUST FEEL GREAT IN THERE.
YOU CAN’T BLAME IT ALL ON ‘THE ELITE’. ESPECIALLY AT THE TOP, SOMEONE IS ALWAYS TRYING TO BE A BIT MORE AT THE TOP. WE STILL HAVE LEADERS WHO CAN RETIRE, YOU THINK VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS A RETIREMENT PLAN? THAT MAN HAS A JOB FOR LIFE. QUITE NAUSEATING TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE LIVING THAT WAY, I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SET FOOT ON THE YACHT.
TWO PEOPLE HAVE A LITTLE INTRICATION
A PINT SPILLED
HANDBAGS AT DAWN DECLARED
A FEW CHESTS BEATEN
PERHAPS A SCUFFLE ENSUES
AN OLD FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN ONCE TOLD ME; “AIN’T LIKE IT WAS IN THE AYTIES, WHEN WE USED TO SHOW UP TO THE SPOT, HAVE A LOOK AT THE OTHER LOT, IF THERE WAS A KID LOOKIN’ A BIT TO GREEN WE’D SAY NUFFIN’S ‘APPENIN’ TILL THE LAD CLEARS ORF. NAHDAYS, WELL, THERE AIN’T NO RESPECT ANYMORE.
THEY HAVE THE SAME TROUBLE AT THE TOP
THERE ARE LORDS IN ‘THE HOUSE OF LORDS’ LOOKING OTHER LORDS UP AND DOWN, COMPARING THEIR LORD LENGTHS; ‘SURE WE’RE BOTH LORDS, I’M JUST A BIT MORE LORDY THAN YOU.’
THEN RIGHT AT THE TOP, DON’T KID YOURSELF, THEY DON’T PARTICULARLY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING ANY MORE THAN YOU DO. THEY LICK THEIR THUMB AND STICK IT IN THE WIND THE SAME WAY YOU DO.
YOU CAN REALLY ONLY EVER SPEAK FOR YOURSELF
HOW COMFORTABLE ARE YOU WITH THE IDEA OF KNOWING A DISAGREEMENT WITH YOUR PEERS MIGHT HAVE THE SAME CONSEQUENCES AS TWO TECTONIC PLATES HAVING A DEBATE ABOUT WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE AND WHOSE FAULT IT IS.
SO YOU’RE A KID AGAIN
YOU’VE LEARNED TO RIDE A BIKE
THE STABILISERS ARE OFF
YOU’RE IN A BIG, BEAUTIFUL PARK
ON A SUNNY SUMMERS DAY
IN THE BIG, BEAUTIFUL PARK
IS A LONG STRAIGHT, BRIGHT,
PERFECT HILL THAT YOU ARE ON TOP OF
THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN
YOU’VE GOT THIS
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
YOU ARE GOING FAST
THIS IS EASY
THIS IS GREAT
THAT IS A POTHOLE
WHAT IS A POT…
THEN YOU REMEMBER THE THING YOU WERE AFRAID OF IN THE FIRST PLACE. MAYBE THAT WHY TIME SLOWS DOWN. IN THIS MOMENT YOU ARE NOT WORRYING ABOUT THE BILLS, YOUR BRAIN WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING IT CAN ABOUT WHATS HAPPENING TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAPPEN AGAIN.
THE PAVEMENT HAS YOU FULL ATTENTION
YOU MAY CHIP A TOOTH
YOU MAY BRING ABOUT A HOLOCAUST
BUT, AS LONG AS YOU’RE NOT DEAD
YOU’RE GETTING BACK ON THE BIKE
I KNOW
YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO
I FORGIVE YOU
AS A SPECIES WE HAVE EVOLVED INTO TRULY REMARKABLE CREATURES, WE HAVE DEVELOPED THE CONCEPT OF MORALITY WITH THE SMALL DRAWBACK THAT WE ALL HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA OF WHAT THAT IS SO WE DEVELOPED JUDGES AND PRISONS. THE IDEA OF A TRULY EQUAL SOCIETY GOES AGAINST OUR EVOLUTIONARY PROGRAMMING. IT DIDN’T JUST STOP BECAUSE YOU FOUND A CUMFY SOFA IN TIME AND SPACE. EVEN IN A CARD GAME WITH NO STAKE, SOMEONE WILL EVENTUALLY CHEAT, STILL YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE GAME: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST IS STILL A THING AND TO NOT PLAY IS TO SURRENDER.
AS A SPECIES WE DO NEED TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS, WHETHER BY ACCIDENT OR DESIGN OR INTELLIGENT DESIGN OR UNINTELLIGENT DESIGN.
WHERE WE HAVE ALL BECOME SO ‘CONNECTED’ WE CAN ALL, AT ANY MOMENT, BE EXPOSED TO THE VIRUSES OF BAD IDEAS LIKE KNITS AROUND THE CLASSROOM.
IT IS A CURIOUS SENSATION TO SEE SOMEWHERE YOU KNOW ON THE NEWS AND, UNLESS IT’S THE LAST STORY OF THE SHOW IT IS LIKELY TO INCLUDE AN APPROPRIATE LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT. YOU WILL HAVE TO LOOK UP WHEN YOU SEE YOURSELF FROM BEHIND AND, UNTIL THAT HAPPENS, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT;
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE FOOD YOU EAT DESIGNED IN LABORATORIES TO MAKE YOU WANT TO EAT MORE OF IT.
DON’T WORRY THAT FOR SOME PEOPLE ‘EMOJI’ IS A FIRST LANGUAGE
I MEAN SERIOUSLY, THIS PIECE OF WRITING; SYNTAX? GRAMMAR? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I’M TELLING YOU WITHOUT FULL STOPS? SOME OF THESE SENTENCES NOW HAVE AMBIGUOUS MEANINGS. THE WHOLE THING IS IN CAPITALS, LIKE I’M SHOUTING AT YOU THE WHOLE TIME. YET YOU ARE STILL READING THE THING. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO GET WHAT I MEAN, YOU’RE GOING TO READ THE WHOLE THING AND THE FIRST MEANING YOU FOUND, YOUR BRAIN WILL TELL YOU YOU ARE RIGHT.
EVOLUTION RIGHT THERE
GOD FORBID YOU REPEAT ANY OF THIS AS FACT OR IN MY NAME
DON’T WORRY THAT, NO MATTER THE EDUCATION POLICY, THERE ARE ONLY REALLY TWO SCHOOLS; THE ONE WHERE YOU ARE TAUGHT THAT YOU WILL WORK FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER SCHOOL AND THE ONE WHERE YOU WILL BE TAUGHT, IN EVERY WAY, GIVEN EVERY TOOL YOU NEED, INCLUDING HOW TO SPELL NECESSARY RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE PEOPLE IN THE OTHER SCHOOL BECAUSE, SOMEONE HAS TO BE AND IT IS RIGHT THAT IT IS YOU.
DON’T WORRY THAT ‘MICHAEL BURRY’; THE ONE GUY WHO PREDICTED THE 2007 FINANCIAL CRASH AND MADE OVER $1 BILLION AT THE TIME IS NOW BETTING AGAINST WATER.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE AIR YOU BREATH, I UNDERSTAND THAT A RUBBER HOSE TO YOUR CAR EXHAUST IS ONE OF THE LEAST PAINFUL WAYS TO DO YOURSELF IN AS LONG AS THAT’S ALL YOU BREATHE FOR TEN MINUTES.
DON’T WORRY THAT NOW YOU WILL BE ABLE TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT IT WAS ‘BETTER IN MY DAY’ AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HUMAN HISTORY, IN ECONOMIC TERMS YOU WILL BE DEMONSTRABLY CORRECT.
O.K. I’M GOING TO COUNT BACK FROM TEN NOW
YOU JUST KEEP ON CRUSHING CANDY
YOU JUST KEEP FEEDING THAT HAPPY LITLLE REPTILE BRAIN
YOU JUST KEEP ON REWARDING YOURSELF FOR BEING YOU
YOU’VE GOT THE HIGH SCORE ON YOUR OWN PERSONAL ‘MILGRAM’ EXPERIMENT
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME