I SET OUT TO TRY EVERYTHING ONCE AND FAIRLY ACHIEVED THAT GOAL. I LIKED THEM BUT NOW I LIKE PUTTING DIESEL IN MY VAN AND THE ONLY ONES I’M STUCK WITH ARE THE BEER AND THE FAGS.
GAMBLING
I AM VERY WARY OF GAMBLING
AS A TEENAGER I USED TO PLAY THE ‘FRUITIES’ IN THE PUB. WHEN I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK I FOUND MYSELF DOING BOTH. AFTER ONE SESSION ON THE MACHINE MY FRIEND ASKED ME
“HOW MUCH DID YOU PUT IN THERE”
“DUNNO, ABOUT TWELVE QUID”
“WE’RE IN A PUB; THAT’S FOUR PINTS YOU COULD HAVE HAD.”
YES IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
MORE IMPORTANTLY; I HAVE NEVER GAMBLED SINCE.
I AM STRICTLY AN ALCOHOLIC.
POLICE
I’VE BEEN STOPPED ONCE OR TWICE AND I REALISE THAT THEY ARE DOING A JOB AND I’VE ALWAYS BEEN POLITE. AS A TEENAGER I MADE THE BOLD MOVE OF TRYING TO ROLL A JOINT AT A BUS STOP AT THREE AM 200 YARDS FROM A POLICE STATION. IT WAS POINTED OUT TO ME THAT I AM AN IDIOT, IT WAS SUGGESTED THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE ARRESTED AND THEY DID NOT WANT THE PAPERWORK AS THEY WERE JUST COMING OFF SHIFT AND WAS GIVEN THE OPTION OF THROWING IT DOWN THE NEAREST DRAIN.
THEY DO HAVE DISCRETION; IT IS A PERSONAL THING TO GIVE SOMEONE SHIT. WHY WOULD YOU NOT EXPECT IT BACK, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARREST YOU?
THAT SAID I AM COMPLETELY WHITE.
RACISM
LET’S SAY SON OF A ‘GALWAYMAN’ AND AN EASTENDER IN THE LATE SEVENTIES…HERE WE GO.
UNTIL FOUR YEARS OLD, I COULDN’T PLAY IN THE BACK GARDEN BECAUSE THE NEIGHBOURS HAD AN ELDERLY RELATIVE WHO, WHENEVER ANY OF US WENT INTO THE GARDEN, WOULD LEAN OUT OF HIS TOP FLOOR WINDOW AND SCREAM “I.R.A. SCUM!”
THEN HE DIED AND I COULD GO AND PLAY WITH WORMS
LETS SAY EIGHT YEARS OLD AND MY BEST FRIEND SANG ME A SONG,
Wake up in the morning
Find a ‘Pakie’ in your bed
Put you ‘D.M.’ boots on
and kick him in his fucking head
INEVITABLY, I ASKED HIM WHAT A ‘PACKIE’ WAS.
HE SAID HE DIDN’T KNOW, IT WAS JUST A SONG HIS BROTHER SUNG.
ALL THESE YEARS LATER, THE QUESTION REMAINS; WHO WAS THIS BRITISH NAZI WHO WOKE UP ONE MORNING IN BED WITH A MAN OF SOUTH ASIAN ORIGIN AND REACTED SO TERRIBLY, PERHAPS IF HE HAD BEEN ABLE TO LINK HIS DISTRESS ABOUT HIS SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT TO HIS SEXUALITY HE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEATEN THE POTENTIAL LOVE OF HIS LIFE TO DEATH BECAUSE OF HIS IMPOSED GUILT FOR WHO HE WAS.
LETS SAY A HERO OF PECKHAM WAS A VICTIM OF GUN CRIME THE SAME WEEK ‘MADELINE M’CANN WENT MISSING.
I MIGHT BE A MUSLIM. AFTER A FEW DRINKS ONE NIGHT, MY FRIEND ‘ISHMEAL’ FROM ‘ALGERIA’ TOLD ME IT WAS VERY EASY TO BECOME A MUSLIM, YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY “ALLAHU AKBAR” A FEW TIMES AND YOU’RE IN!
WE MAY HAVE BEEN DRUNK AT THE TIME.
I BUMPED INTO ‘JOE’ WHO RAN THE KITCHEN OF A MUSIC VENUE WHERE I MANAGED THE BAR. HE INTRODUCED ME TO HIS FRIEND AS, ‘THE REALEST ‘NIGGA’ IN THE PLACE.
I TOOK THE COMPLIMENT WITH THE FAIR ACCOMPANIMENT OF GUILT OF OF WHY THE ORIGINAL WORD EXISTED.
‘GODWIN’, A NIGERIAN FROM THE WAREHOUSE, CALLS ME ‘JONDEEBOOSH’, PROBABLY BECAUSE OF MY CRAPPY BEARD, HE ALSO SAYS I AM HIS FAVOURITE WHITE MAN. I TELL HIM HE HAS NOT MET ENOUGH WHITE MEN, HE TELLS ME HE HAS MET MORE THAN ENOUGH WHITE MEN AND, SOMEHOW, WE ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE INCREDIBLY ROBUST JOKES ABOUT WHAT MY RACE, MY GREAT GRANDPARENTS DID TO HIS RACE, TO HIS GRANDPARENTS.
XENOPHOBIA AND HOMOPHOBIA ARE LIKE SUGAR AND FAT; INTEGRAL TO OUR SURVIVAL THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO. OUR BASE LEVEL CONSTANTLY DRAWS US TO OUR INSTINCTS AND YET WE PUSH ON.
GROWING UP, RACISM WAS IMMERSIVE. I HAD BEEN TAUGHT THINGS THAT QUITE EARLY ON DIDN’T ADD UP AND DECIDED WERE NOT FOR ME, HAVING SAID THAT, EVEN TODAY, IF I PAY ATTENTION, THAT MEMORY TRANSACTION STILL TAKES PLACE. WE MAKE AUTOMATIC JUDGEMENTS ABOUT EVERYTHING WE SEE, JUST AS ‘ARNIE’ DOES IN THE ‘TERMINATOR’ FILMS. IMAGINE AN ABSENT MINDED WALK THROUGH ‘LEICESTER SQUARE’ OR ‘CENTRAL PARK’ OR YOUR LOCAL SHOPPING CENTRE OR MALL. YOUR MOST PRIMITIVE PART OF YOUR BRAIN IS MAKING CURSORY ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIELD OF VIEW. ONE VERY SPECIFIC PART OF YOUR BRAIN IS ASKING, CAN I HAVE SEX WITH THIS PERSON OR OBJECT?!
A BINARY TICKING MACHINE; NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
YES, NO, NO, NO, NO, YES, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, YES, NO, NO, NO, NO, YES, NO, NO, NO, NO, YES, NO, NO, NO, NO, YES…
OR IF YOU’RE DRUNK; YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YES,YSY,E,SEY,SEY,SEY,ESYSEY,SE,ESY,S,EY,SYE,SYE,,Y,SSSSSSSSSSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
EYE SENDS SIGNAL TO BRAIN, BRAIN CONFIRMS WITH EYE THAT IT HAS INDEED IDENTIFIED PRETTY BOOBIES, BRAIN SENDS SIGNAL TO EYE MUSCLES TO STOP LOOKING AT THE PRETTY BOOBIES…
OR IF YOU’RE DRUNK…
EVEN TODAY, I CAN STILL HEAR THE MICROSECOND TRANSACTION OF LEARNED INFORMATION; ‘BLACK MAN BAD, BE AFRAID, NO, WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS, REMEMBER, WE DECIDED THIS WAS WRONG YEARS AGO, OH, YES THAT’S RIGHT, BLACK MAN JUST MAN.
THIS GAME, ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHERS, WILL CHANGE OUT OF ALL RECOGNITION WHEN ‘GOOGLE’ PERFECT THEIR CONTACT LENS.
TERRORISM
IT IS NATURAL TO CONDEMN THE ACT AND THE PERPETRATOR. I FEEL IN THE MINORITY WHEN I SAY THAT, WITH SUICIDE BOMBERS, I FEEL OVERWHELMING PITY FOR SOMONE WHO HAS BEEN SO FILLED WITH HATE THAT THEY HAVE BEEN CONNED INTO ENDING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES AS WELL AS THEIR OWN.
DRIVING
ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE ON THE ROAD, REGARDLESS OF MODE OF TRANSPORTATION, IS A HYPOCRITE.
ANYONE WHO BEEPS THEIR HORN AS A WAY TO EXPRESS EMOTION IS A DICK.
GOD
I BOUGHT TWENTY LITRES OF ‘TIPPEX’ ON ‘E-BAY’ THE OTHER DAY.
BIG MISTAKE
NO?
O.K.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PARTICLE PHYSICIST WHO WAS AT THE CUTTING EDGE OF HIS FIELD WHO KEPT DISCOVERING MORE AND MORE, ONLY TO REACH THE CONCLUSION OF JOINING THE PRIESTHOOD?
IMAGINE YOU ARE GOD
SOME SAY YOU MAY ALREADY BE
IF A SMALL GROUP OF CELLS IN YOUR TOENAIL WERE GATHERING TOGETHER AND PRAYING TO YOU ONCE A WEEK, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
IF YOU KNEW THEY WERE PRAYING TO YOU, YOU WOULD OBVIOUSLY BE GRATEFUL. IN FACT, WHEN EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL, YOU DON’T NOTICE. IT’S ONLY WHN YOU GET A BLISTER OR CANCER THAT YOU PAY ATTENTION
WITH GOD BEING OMNIPRESENT, A LOT GOES WITH THAT THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE RELIGION. THIS IS A LETTER FROM GOD TO GOD VIA ME TO YOU.
